It's often said that blogs and social media give a view point of only the pretty and happy times in life. That's what we all really love to view anyways, right?
Well, today is not that kind of post.
Today is raw and real life.
The last 10 days have kicked my ass. Probably more like the last 3 months, but I'll leave it to 10 days.
It feels like everything has come falling in on me all at once.
I thought I was handling this change from one child to two children pretty smoothly. It wasn't easy by any means, but I thought we were falling into a nice routine.
Then sickness hit. Teething started. We traveled and altered routines. Brody had a seizure and spends two nights in the hospital. Madelyn is all the sudden awake so much during the day and needs almost constant entertainment. Brody is out of school. Madelyn is waking up in the middle of the night. Mama is not getting her sleep. I stopped breastfeeding. I got back on birth control (hello hormones). And I've suddenly turned into a crazy person.
I've spent the last two mornings in crazy tears. Like I can't remember when I've cried so hard.
I feel terrible even saying that because I'm so thankful for my children and their health. Last week with Brody in the hospital really hit home with my husband and I how truly blessed we are. It's so important to remember that there is always someone fighting a harder battle than you.
I feel terrible even saying that because I'm so thankful for my children and their health. Last week with Brody in the hospital really hit home with my husband and I how truly blessed we are. It's so important to remember that there is always someone fighting a harder battle than you.
I've spent the last few months feeling so self-involved. It's like I'm trying to bust out of this bubble and be the friend I've always been or the sister, wife or daughter that I strive to be; but I really can hardly see past my little family.
It's just a phase. This too shall pass. The dishes can wait. The laundry will be there later. Babies don't keep. Don't be so hard on yourself.
I've heard it all a million times. And I believe it all. It just doesn't mean that those words can keep me sane. I try. But letting all those things go just make me a little crazier.
I know that I crave routine. I need it. And I know I will get back to it. I've just had to take some time to reflect on the deeper issue. I need more help. I need some more help around the house and a little more time to myself. It's probably just temporary, but it could help a lot in the short term. It will make me a better mother, a better wife and a better friend.
This is honest to goodness what my bedroom and bathroom look like right now. I just have to put blinders on when I walk in, but really it sends my anxiety through the roof. My suitcase is still on the floor from our trip to Palm Springs almost two weeks ago. It has yet to be unpacked. Laundry baskets of clean clothes just sit there waiting to be put away. It's awful. I can't even believe that I'm sharing these photos with you.
I love this little space so much and writing has become so therapeutic for me. I'm always looking for more time to post here. Nighttime after the kids are in bed seems to be the only time I have to get anything done, but the truth is my brain is done functioning by then. I'm tired and can't put cohesive thoughts together and I know it's better for me to get some sleep. I'm generally too tired to put clothes away or clean house and all I want to do is take a hot bath and tuck in bed with my husband and rent a good movie.
I write this post because I know I'm not the only one out there that has these feelings or these phases in life. I know I'm not really crazy and that it's okay for me to feel this way at times. I know we will get passed this and life will get back to normal soon. Probably next week, but next week feels like years away when you're in the thick of things. Until then, I'll go to bed tonight and look at photos of my babies from today and laugh at their little faces and shake my head saying, "Who cares if I got absolutely nothing accomplished for myself today? I kept these two babies alive and that should be good enough."
Link up below with Natalie and I for Thoughts for Thursday.
Oh Annie you are in the trenches of motherhood. I do hope it was nothing serious with Brody. It will get easier, in the meantime, hang in there!
ReplyDeleteAmen, and my bedroom & bathroom look the same! I don't know about you but they're the very last spaces to get any attention because they're the last spaces anybody else sees. ;) It's ok to break down and cry, to admit when we need help, to realize that despite our wonderful fortune and all of our blessings, sometimes life is just tough and sometimes we feel sad. It's ok! Feel it deeply and then find something that makes you happy, ask for help, give your kids another hug. I hope the Spring brings happiness and health your way. :) XO
ReplyDeleteTwo kids has rocked my world, flipped my life around and left my house in a constant state of disaster. And I didn't have one in the hospital! My milk dried up about mo 5, which broke my heart because it was so easy feeding the first. So you are not alone, if anything we are all with you, if we could actually get out of the house! You are doing amazing!!! So your house is a war zone this week, that's ok. Your kids are alive and happy, so a huge win for you! Hang in there and try to get some sleep when you can, I know easier said than done!
ReplyDeleteXoxo,
Whitney & Blaire
Peaches In A Pod
Like Elsa says, "Let it go": This mom job is hard and when you have so many other things going on, just let go of the things that don't *need* to be done. I think you should be proud of yourself that the laundry in the baskets is clean and if you just don't have the energy to put it away, than that's enough for now.
ReplyDeleteJust keep putting one foot in front of the other and this phase of life will pass.
I think A LOT of moms and women can totally relate to how you are feeling! Sometimes we just feel like we are barely keeping a float with everything a mom and wife has to do on a daily basis. The truth is, I know it is just a phase and soon it will get better! I say this only having one toddler, but with one on the way so I'm hoping at some point it does lol! I love the honesty in your post and I always seem to relate better to those bloggers that are not always inspirational and seem 'perfect', but are also relatable in this way. I think it's so hard for us mothers to ask for help, but like they say... It takes a village!!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that you're in such a rough spot right now, mama. These seasons come along with all the happiness and fun times - trust me, I feel like mine has been in a five year long trench sometimes. I really appreciate you getting real and showing us it's not all butterflies and rainbows though. So many bloggers only show us the good and leave us feeling as if we're doing something wrong when we can't keep it together. xoxo! www.hautemommyblog.com
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you so much lately! I cannot even imagine how scary it was to see your baby in the hospital. So very thankful he is better. You are an amazing mommy and I look up to you so much for your honesty! Praying for easier days (and more sleep!) for you friend! Xo
ReplyDeleteI really love this post too! This was so honest and I can relate. My three year old has been so defiant lately and my 13 month old has been out of daycare so much because she's been getting illness after illness. Her latest illness has her waking 3-4 times a night and she has been so fussy. My 3 year old doesn't nap anymore so I don't really get any break either I am looking forward to this summer because my kids seem a little more chill when we get outside. Hang in there, Annie! You are doing a great job I am sure! One thing that was helpful for me is to make a list of things that need to be done and figure out the ones that are the largest priority . If you get that done you feel a little better.
ReplyDeleteGirl, just breathe and give yourself a break. You've had a LOT going on, and it would overwhelm anyone. So don't be so hard on yourself. It will all get back to a better, more normal routine. Sickness, especially with kids, just makes life harder and throws things into a tail spin sometimes. Just know you're not alone, and you have lots of people who love you, and I'm sure ones who are willing to help if you need.
ReplyDeleteAnd sometimes venting just helps, too :)
Oh mama. xo
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I completely understand where you are coming from and feel the same way sometimes. I think posts like these help us Mamas feel like we're not alone. I appreciate your honesty and pictures :). I will definitely keep you and your family in my prayers. Hang in there and sleep when you can. This too shall pass!
ReplyDeleteOh momma I feel ya! Those two-three hours at night are so daunting because my type-A self can only think about all the things that need to be done. One of my goals this year was to be content but that has been hard. Know you are definitely not alone!
ReplyDeleteWhat I really don't understand is that you don't work. Believe me I have 5 children, been there. Had them all in 7 years and both my parents died shortly before they were born.; I didn't have help. 2 kids and not working is not that difficult, truly. The difference s I didn't go to the internet and post about it. I didn't have social media as a time waster. Take one week and turn off all computers and social media and see what you can accomplish. I do not want this reply to come off as insensitive--in fact delete it after you read it so there aren't a million comments from other moms defending their time as a mother. Motherhood is taxing and hard. But with the kids and a social life as your only priorities I wouldn't be looking for head pats from other mothers. I personally think you do a great job as a blogger and mother so just do the best you can. If SAHM are honest, it's very easy to waste time.
ReplyDeleteFirst I'm so sorry to hear about Brody!! Just know you are not alone! I feel like this constantly! Its like you're constantly treading water. Right when you feel like you're catching up with everything, something else comes up. I experience it with one baby so I can only imagine two. You do need time to yourself, a weekend away or a few girls only brunch dates. Do it. It reminds you that you are someone other than a mom and you will feel refreshed! Hang in there mama!
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Mama!! I often feel the same way - sometimes I just want QUIET and alone time!!! You're right though - things WILL get better. My favorite quote is - the days are long but the years are short" - so true!
ReplyDeleteBeing a mother is so hard! I question all the time whether or not I have what it takes, and then I feel guilty for being so self-absorbed. Your honesty is refreshing! And by the way, my room always looks like that!
ReplyDeleteLove you girl. Sure people like reading happy and light blog posts, but always, ALWAYS the best ones are the raw and real ones that everyone can relate to. You hit the nail on the head. This was so us in December when Jack kept getting sick and I was just trying to stay alive. Like you said, this too shall pass. Oh motherhood! You got this!
ReplyDeleteKeeping those precious babies happy is all the job you need right now! Just step over that stuff on your floor and keep your head up. :)
ReplyDeleteOh sweet girl, you are NOT alone! I spent a lot of the first year when Greyson was born crying and feeling the same way. It's the hardest thing, and while it's important to be grateful and appreciate life's blessings, it's so damn hard to have two kids and be off balance. It's life altering and I wish I could give you a big hug and a LARGE glass of wine!
ReplyDeleteThese times are so difficult and defeating! I can't imagine what you're going through, especially with Brody having his seizure. So glad he's doing alright and I hope everyone gets back on a schedule quickly!!
ReplyDeletehang in there mama!!!!!! things will get better. thinking of you! xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh Annie, thanks for being so real! This was me a couple of weeks ago and I totally unloaded on my blog as well. A lot of people try to make their lives look so polished, but the truth is, that's not who anybody really is. I much prefer the raw, real posts like these because it's comforting to know that there are other people in the same boat as me.
ReplyDeleteSuch a real and genuine post - you got this!!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing the best you can and that is enough! Hang in there, mama. You got this!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.velvetcrate.com
Posts like these are my favorite, because they are the ones that make us feel most connected. I can relate to so much in this post, and I don't even have 2 babes to keep me busy. Keep your chin up and do what you have to do to take care of you...even if it means getting some extra help around the house!
ReplyDeleteThere are no words to change these feelings, but know you are not alone. Thanks for sharing and reminding me how imperfectly imperfect we all are! Make today work, Rachel -CubicleCouture
ReplyDeleteI have been there. I know I'll be there again, but it is nice knowing it's not a desert island. Take everything hour by hour, day by day,-because the fog WILL lift.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, our house looks like that all the time and we don't even have kids! Sometimes we hire a housekeeper or yard guy when it gets to be too much. Take a deep breath and know that we are all rooting for ya!
ReplyDelete-Kristen
www.pugsandpearls.com
You are definitely not alone friend! Since going back to work after having Oliver my house is never clean and the laundry is always piled up. And he's still waking up multiple times at night which means little sleep for me. Being a mom is so hard! I saw a quote recently that rang so true, just when you think it can't get better it gets worse and when you think it can't get worse it gets better! It's what I have to keep reminding myself when on running off of 5 broken up hours of sleep and I have to be up at 5am! I just keep telling him he better be glad he's cute!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I'm sorry you are having a tough time right now. I'll keep you in my prayers! Second of all, I want you to know that your definitely not alone! I feel the same exact way and baby #2 hasn't even arrived yet. Which leaves me so much fear as to how the hell are my days going to be when there's two if I have meltdown after meltdown taking care of one?! Hold your head up, take some time to yourself when you can, and leave the messy house for some other day! :)
ReplyDeleteKudos to you, mama, for being brave enough to own this today. So many fellow bloggers and social media mavens only portray these perfectly stylized lives. And while they are inspirational and aesthetically pleasing, let's all be honest - they are not REAL! Real life is messy. Sometimes it's hard. It's not always pleasant and full of peonies and bright white walls. And real life with two little ones? It is just plain exhausting. I feel you on that. I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with finding the time to do anything for myself, and then end up resenting that I feel so ragged and run down, but don't know how to fix it. My house is never exactly how I want it to be. There are ALWAYS full laundry baskets waiting for attention. And house chores are the LAST thing I want to spend my limited amount of free time doing. I am working on convincing my husband that we need a bit of help around the house. Hopefully yours has already come around to see how necessary that would be!:)
ReplyDeleteOh Mama. you are most definitely not alone! My laundry scene is so horrendous it's amazing we have any clothes left to wear. Thank you for sharing a real glimpse of motherhood, but all I see are two happy, healthy babes! You're doing just fine!
ReplyDeleteDo you know how many times I've called my mom over the past couple months in tears telling her I'm overwhelmed and need help? I don't think she wants to answer my calls anymore! My husband and I aren't the fighting type and we got into a blow out this week. I just keep saying this too shall pass, and I keep looking for the perfect babysitter :)
ReplyDeleteAnnie, I hear you! I don't know what is going on but this life lately has kicked me in the butt too. And instead of blogging productively like you have, I end up avoiding the computer and watching Downton Abbey reruns. I am at my wit's end most days with the kids and come dinner I am so ready for a drink and bed, I worry about it ;) I went to bed at 8:30 not two but THREE nights this week. I am so sorry to hear that you are having a hard time. If it makes you feel any better, my house looks like that on a regular basis. On those bad days when no one naps long enough, I haven't slept, and basically life is a mess. Yep, that is us. And you know what, so is every single person's house I ever worked in that had multiple small children. And I totally judged them back then and was like my house is never going to look like that! Well the rest of my house looks fine, but my bedroom and bathroom--MESS! And it freaks me the hell out because it gives me so much anxiety. You aren't alone! I hope it gets easier and Madelyn's teething pains ease up! We are finally getting some sleep over here.
ReplyDeletexoxo
Annie
Sweet little momma you are definitely in the thick of it right now. It is tough to let those things go and I so struggled with that when my kids were young. As they got older I learned to close their doors and try and manage the space I could manage but even with a 14 and a 10 year old at times life just gets so busy and we lose weekends to sports activities and such and the next thing I know the laundry is piled up and the place is a wreck and I'm out of my mind. It's part of our journey as moms and women and you will get through this!! I hope your babies are sleeping better and you are feeling more at peace this week. Prayers!
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